if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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