Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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