So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
