I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
