apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
