Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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