I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
