I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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