So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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