I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
