first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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