Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
