He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
