the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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