Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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