So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
