The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
