just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
