Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
