I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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