Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
