this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
