They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
