this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
we should paint friendship bongs
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
