You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
