I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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