i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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