I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
