allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
