I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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