Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
