my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
