had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
