ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
