I only kidnapped one of them. chill
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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