I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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