I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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