im so drunk with asians
where?
always
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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