Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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