so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
