Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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