That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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