I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
