Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
