Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
be right there i have to get my cape
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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