to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
