I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
