i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
