I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
