Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
