You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
What did we do last night that was yellow?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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