I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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