hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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