I cut my penus on the lid.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize