I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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