hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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